Recipe: Spaghetti, Red pepper, Onions, Hotdogs, Smoked Fish.
So, many people who are familiar with me have one or two things to comment about my eating habits and how I cook my food. At times, those close to me find it extremely uncomfortable with the way i gulp down large portions of food especially when I’m in a situation whereby food is illogical, my mind always wander to food and even if my life is breaking up and drowning, I’d still grab a bite of something. No matter how desolate I’m feeling, I’d still drag myself out of the bed, come up with a recipe, get one or two ingredients I could afford from the nearest market and cook something to eat.
One thing that may sound unbelievable is, food actually saved me from a lot of things going through my mind. I don’t know how but it did. Food saved me from depression, anxiety, self harm, low self esteem and lots more that I can’t recall. Growing up, I’ve been a little weird, like a loose screw in a machine that makes it malfunction. I had a lot of fall out with a lot of things and it got me in a lot of trouble too. I started giving into depression at a very young age and the stakes were high because in an African household, nobody believes in depression. It’s either you are being silly, possessed or you wanted attention. I personally feel Africans are too superstitious to understand that not everything is a weapon fashioned against you by some imaginary forces, something’s just happen because it wants to happen or something triggered it.
I struggled with my other side throughout highschool. Always trying to fight the other side and behave like a normal kid but that dream was farfetched when I began to stutter in speech. It got so bad I can’t read sentences without taking a thirty minutes break. To worsen it, other kids would make fun of me and I was eventually ruled out of the social system and peer gatherings.
Gradually, I got used to being alone, stuttering and being different. At a point, I actually started liking the silence in my life, I was able to explore different areas not really open to people. I discovered I could channel my energy through the mouth of a pen, I could lay down and lucid dream all day long without having anyone to bother me, I started hearing new voices of those I couldn’t see and I made new friends in the darkness of my world. But, all these came at a great price. My actions might have attracted some parasite that dwell in the minds of people like us. We are the perfect host for these wandering souls because we can actually feel their bitterness and sorrow as they wander around for years without ageing or dying.
Others refer to them as “Old Souls” but I call them the “Soul Dwellers” because they live in your mind and feed off your anxiety and anguish and at the same time throw you into a state of paranoia. A state of paranoia so intense that makes you bash your head repeatedly against the wall and slit your wrist to stop their whispering voices.
At first I couldn’t control the soul dwellers. Their roots has been invested so deep and I didn’t even know it. Then, I did everything they wanted because they were my only friends and companion. But, I started having doubts when they told me I have to give up my body if I wanted to become like them and stay around for long years. They told me all I needed to do was find a way to leave the body I was trapped inside. At first, I thought it meant relaxing your body to the lowest heartbeat and accessing the subconscious mind. Then, i would panic when I couldn’t breathe and feel dejected because I couldn’t accomplish such a simple task. As I grew older and my intelligence widened, I understood that what they wanted was death, they wanted me to commit suicide so I would be one of them and wander aimlessly, trying to attach my soul to people like they did. It was at this point that our common interests began to waver, I didn’t want to linger, I wanted to cease to exist and fade into nothingness where I won’t be reincarnated.
At this stage, I was a first-year university student. It was at this stage that the battle of souls started, the soul dwellers won’t be giving up easily….
Dozebel 
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